Thursday, May 03, 2007

Many Are Scrawled But I Am Chosen

You need not necessarily bow before me...of course this is a risk you take on your own since I am "The Chosen Vessel."

Yes, it came as something of a surprise to me too, but I'm adjusting.

I've been dealing with spam filters this week. A friend wrote me an email I almost missed since my two home computers as well as the computer I use at my office decided the message was "spam." I'm, "The Chosen Vessel" never assumes or for that matter I suppose apologizes - I assu think am certain that's how "The Chosen Vessel" operates - but honestly I haven't gotten a crown, scepter or even "The Chosen Vessel rule book" yet. Anyway, my friend's email got snagged most assuredly (that's better) because said friend of "The Chosen Vessel" made brief mention of a prescribed medication during the course of the email. Luckily, being "The Chosen Vessel," I tend not to trust spam filters since they are not the creation of "The Chosen Vessel."

This week"The Chosen Vessel" also noticed a story about a woman in New Zealand, a web designer, who emailed her broadband provider only to get a response that her email was rejected for containing "inappropriate content." That content was ... her name. Her first name is, "Gay."

Alas, too bad she's not "The Chosen Vessel."

Everyday at the office I...oops, I'll get the hang of this soon... "The Chosen Vessel" gets a message from a corporate spam filter computer informing "The Chosen Vessel" that email directed to "TCV" has been deemed inappropriate and requesting "The Chosen Vessel" check to make sure the spam filter is not being overzealous. Although almost 100 percent of the time the filter is correct in its assessment, each email header must be surveyed anyway to be certain...such are the burdens of being "The Chosen Vessel."

"The Chosen Vessel" also has another spam filter within the actual email program installed on "The Chosen Vessel's" office computer, which tags stuff on its own such as it did that friend's aforementioned email as well as a multitude of messages from on-line pharmacies, websites catering to deviants, or from politicians... "The Chosen Vessel" does realize that some of those categories overlap.

Some emailers have been specifically tagged by "The Chosen Vessel" to be diverted to "junk mail" since they never write anything worth the expense of "The Chosen Vessel's" increasingly valuable energies, time, and obviously superior brain power. Others are apparently picked at random by Microsoft as a result of voodoo-like algorithms presumably known only to a cabal of censors given this sacred task, along with stock options that will allow them to retire before they reach legal drinking age.

Even "The Chosen Vessel" knows better than to tarry in argument among the recluses in Redmond...or India...or wherever they actually exist.

So with all this digital armor in place, "The Chosen Vessel" is quite confident that "We" ( Is the use of the royal "We" appropriate? Sure wish "The Chosen Vessel" had the rule book. ) is are indeed "The Chosen Vessel" since Mrs. Agnes Samuel, who no doubt went to great lengths and untold scrutiny ascertaining my "Our" - gosh, this is getting tougher and I'm "The Chosen Vessel, imagine how difficult it would be for ordinary folks - "The Chosen Vessel's" stature, integrity, and background merited such distinction.

Of course I'm sure there are a few cynics among the great unwashed and uncrowned ("The Chosen Vessel" is certain the crown is forthcoming, no doubt by FedEx) who might argue such determination was made based solely on Mrs. Agnes Samuel's realization that "The Chosen Vessel" shares her obvious prowess in the art of things like spelling, grammar, punctuation, consistency in regard to verb tense, and actually including all the intended words in written sentences. Posh! To those "We" say, "Wait until my 'The Chosen Vessel's' bequeathed fortune arrives!" Better hope it doesn't include a Royal guillotine, this power could go to my"The Chosen Vessel's" head...or worse yet yours.

To: Main, Michael
Subject: The Chosen Vessel.


I am Agnes Samuel now undergoing medical treatment for cancer now. I am married to Dr. George Samuel who worked with South Africa embassy in Malaysia for nine years before he died in the year 2000. well I will only try to let you know who Dr. George Samuel is by stating his philosophy of life ."life is worth living only if lived to the service of mankind" and "You make a living by what you earn, but you make life?

Having known my poor health condition I have decided to donate my fund to a church, better still a Christian individual or a Moslem that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.

My Attorney will issue you a letter of authority that will empowers you as the original beneficiary of these funds. I Choose this means to locate you because I am sure I will be lead by a good Spirit to the kind of person that will be honest.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

In His Arms.
Mrs. Agnes Samuel.

It must be true!"We" mean this message of destiny evaded all of the previously belabored spam filters!

It is surely written in the stars! I...dang..."We" simply hadn't observed its obvious presence until now due to the many duties and burdens "The Chosen Vessel" deals with daily.

"The Chosen Vessel" is of course aware that there were one or two emails going around that might have appeared slightly similar to this yet were actually scams, but corporate spam computers in addition to the mega-minds at Microsoft obviously have already dispatched with all of those after all these years...right?

Ahem, "The Chosen Vessel" didn't mean to imply any doubt of my "Our" "The Chosen Vessel's" divinely Agnes bestowed reasoning prowess.


Just in case...

If any of you are still bowing?

You should probably stop that now.

Yeah, "The Chosen Vessel" I didn't really figure anyone was bowing anyway.

"The Chosen Vessel" is willing to consider the insulting possibility that he "We" heck, that I'm just a jughead who got spammed.

Unless the FedEx guy shows up with a scepter.