Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Saving DisGrace

I have a "saved email" folder.

That's probably the most boring opening line of a post I've ever written - please don't take that as a challenge to find something more boring.

Anyway, I put a lot of stuff in that folder, emails telling me my passwords for various things, or business related stuff, some personal emails of encouragement and then there are the emails that I saved because I wanted to take my time in responding to them.

Normally these are emails which are harsh, or hurtful or that just ticked me off for one reason or another. It's not like there are an abundance of them...please don't get the impression I get a lot of hate mail. However, there are a few, mostly from folks I'm very close to, or have been close to in the past and I generally try to stop myself from instantly responding in anger, so I put them in my "saved mail" folder.

This can be a good thing. Quite frankly I usually simply forget about the nasty emails and never respond...that's actually almost always the case. Email is a crappy way to communicate if you have real issues with people. So I either let those type of messages languish unanswered or pick up the phone and try to talk to the people who sent them and try to find a way to resolve whatever issue it was that provoked the email in the first place.

However, there's a downside too. I don't go into that "saved mail" folder very often, and when I do it's usually to look up some password, or registration or to find an email that I stashed away for some other innocuous reason. That's all well and good, but when I do that I invariably have to scroll through some of those old "painful" emails...the ones I wanted to respond to in anger, but didn't after I calmed down...and I realized recently that when I do that I tend to let those old messages get to me again...

It's not a rehash of the emotions I felt when I originally received them, but it's a "twinge," a somewhat painful twinge.

Okay, you're not the only genius on the block...yes, I've realized I should just go through the "saved mail" folder and delete those emails from the past, and that's what I'm doing.

However it got me thinking about whether I have one of those folders somewhere else...not on any computer, but in my heart, or mind...or who knows? Maybe my prostate.

Okay, I'm going off on a tangent here, but I do recall reading a Dave Barry column once describing what organ of the body actually most resembles what we term "heart shaped."

<-------Prostate Heart------->

Yeah, I never could look the same at one of those stickers again either...

Anyway the idea I'm trying to convey is that somewhere within me I believe I still have a little storage's cluttered with all sorts of stuff, including some painful gunk.

And every once in a while, when I'm meandering around my mess of memories...or perhaps my prostate...looking for something completely innocent I stumble across that lump of hurt...or anger...or guilt...or whatever...and I feel a twinge.

So, in addition to hitting "delete" on some of those old musty messages in my saved mail folder, I'm going to work on trying to rid myself of some that old emotional clutter stashed within me too no matter where it's residing.

Obviously it won't be as easy as simply hitting a delete key, but I think it'll be worth it.

If nothing else, it might serve as a reminder to get my prostate checked.