Saturday, March 10, 2007

Walls Within

I must confess a few things.

What I write here is truthful, but please don't get the impression that I am telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I write about my life, my thoughts, and I try not to whine, although lately I haven't been too successful at that.

The truth is, no matter what I have revealed here, you don't know me. Not really.

There are things I don't share for reasons that they would embarrass me or others, or jeopardize my job, or simply because I'd like to think I can be uplifting in my writing. That sometimes what words I put here may strike a chord in someone that gives them hope, that relieves them of a burden, that makes them smile.

Yet what I write is only one part of me and I am multi-dimensional, not to mention occasionally delusional.

It's no slight on you...very few people really know me.

I don't let them.

I have "abandonment issues." It would take a psychologist about 2 minutes to find the root of them: my parents died when I was young, my first marriage lasted about as long as some folks can hold their breath, and as a result I've put up walls. I don't let you all the way in, so you can't hurt me when you leave me, which at my core I fear you will do.

Give me a little credit, I have let down a lot of emotional barriers in the past years. In recent months though, I've paid the price for it. People I let get close enough to truly know me, left abruptly, and reopened wounds I thought were long healed.

And some new walls went up as a result.

It's especially tough for Amy.

I've let her go deeper into my soul than anyone, but she knows that when I'm stressed, fatigued, angry, whatever...I will rapidly try to put up walls and shut her out. The more she tries to get through those walls the more I resist. It hurts her, and I feel guilty...but I also feel safe.

During this time of Lent, I haven't gone my usual route of removing things from my life in order to make room for God. Yes, I've cut back on some things I thought were unhealthy in general, but now I think I'm going to get a little late start on actually "vowing" to adhere to a discipline.

I'm going to try NOT to rebuild those walls again, I'm going to try to let others in, be emotionally vulnerable...despite the pain.

And just maybe, I'll let God in a little closer too.