Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Inside Stuff

Part of this post is really for a very narrow audience, that I'm not even sure will see it. I apologize for that.

For any radio folks in San Antonio who want to come by and visit for a bit to share George Jennings stories with his wife Nancy, please shoot me an email. I've arranged for a very informal gathering early Friday night. A number of old friends and colleagues have left comments here, but didn't leave me their email addresses so I have no way to contact them, so I'm throwing this out just to make sure I leave no stone unturned.

Another former co-worker of mine is having serious health issues, cancer...and it doesn't look good. As part of my vow to let down some emotional barriers, I'm hoping to visit him tomorrow.

And so the purpose of this writing I suppose becomes less narrow now...but it's still "inside stuff" ...only now it's about the stuff going on inside me.

The events of the past couple of weeks have had my mind swirling in a mire of thoughts of broken relationships, lost friendships, and quite frankly the recurring realization that life is too short...too often.

It's not easy, but I'm trying to filter my thoughts through grace and am vowing to try to take some steps to mend some badly broken or lost familial relationships rather than leave them abandoned.

I have a bad habit of saying, "Just let it go," and "Let's put all this behind us and move forward."

The more I pray about that, the more wrong it seems.

I don't want to be that man.

I want to be the type of guy who says, "No, I refuse to make it that easy. "

I want to be the man who realizes the best way to conquer his demons is not to turn away, but to turn back and face them...and try with all my heart to let God show me the way to do so honestly and gently.

I need not look far for affirmation...I need only look back.

I spent far too much of my life putting things behind me, letting go, moving on and going it alone...it wasn't until I turned back, and faced God and myself that I found true peace in my life.

That doesn't mean it will be easy. In fact, I suspect some of my efforts may get ugly and I will be rebuffed.

But truthfully, there isn't room inside me to run anymore, so I have to find a way to stand...right now I'm going to rely on the rock of my faith for footing.

And one day, I pray, that this decision will have freed up space within me for more of the "inside stuff" that's truly important.

You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn. - 2 Samuel 22:37