Monday, December 05, 2005

Egg Shells, Emotion & Exxageration

This is not going to be the lightest of posts I suspect...for that you can blame Hope. I'm only kidding - about the blaming Hope part - not about this likely being a bit more introspective than I normally care to be here. I write on the fly but I can tell which way I'm heading.

Hope left a comment recently saying essentially that she thinks some of my posts reflect an "emotional and physical weariness" especially since the Gomez clan has taken roost in our home - this is without a doubt a dead-on conclusion. She also said she suspected I was masking some of the burden of sacrifice and this too hit home.

It is not easy.

No one said it would be.

When people at my office complain to me about work I have been known to say, "That's why they call it work...if we all enjoyed it they'd call it sex."

They still hate work, but usually they laugh.

No one said it would be easy...and it has been hard, harder than we expected - at times.

At times it is hard to find our place, our purpose, and our peace. Quiet is often a luxury in our home and there is a temptation to retreat in ways that are unhealthy - mentally and physically. I have been guilty of both, but I suspect this hopefully momentary delving into the dark may be a step in the right direction.

Don't let the minor become monumental - that is my first rule of sanity and we have tight roped along it lately some times without success.

Amy and I have allowed little things to become big things on occasion. We have both exaggerated situations and made some decisions based on the emotion of the moment which we regret and which in truth made our lives only more difficult. Yet I know with a certainty that can not be challenged that we shall recover from those moments...for that's all that they were - "moments." I have been blessed to know both love and grace in portions so undeserved that I am even bold enough to expect more.

God is with us.

We are not alone. We have shared the minutiae of the balancing act of trying to co-exist with the Gomez family while trying to lift them to independence with our church leaders. We have help - spiritual, physical and financial but it is still hard.

Sprinkle in a dose of worry into the mix and you'll be better able to sample our daily diet.

We are still awaiting results of some of Amy's medical tests...we expect the hours spent keeping those fears and worries at bay to amount to a complete waste of our time...we have hope...but we've still given aid and comfort to the fear.

So we tiptoe.

We tiptoe around emotional egg shells.

No, I don't share all the disappointments and emotional shifts here, nor do I share every wondrous moment and there are many.

I hope my reluctance to outline so many details is not because I want to put the best face on our situation - although I'm not big on reading people's whinings foremost my own. Rather I hope this is a season I am going through and the setbacks, the frustrations and exasperations are temporary. Perhaps it is an illusion but I'd at least like to believe what I write is less ethereal and the distant horizon of passing time will better reflect reality.

So I am perhaps quieter these days...but these days will pass.

There is indeed forfeiture involved in sacrifice, but there is also purpose.

It is to that purpose that Amy and I find ourselves clinging a lot these days and oftentimes we feel like we are barely hanging on...but I am still convinced one day we will suddenly stop tip toeing about the fragile and instead begin to frolic.

One day soon we will look down upon the eggshells…and we will dance.