Thursday, July 14, 2005

Lag Time

Yes, we made it home safely although we experienced a bit of jet lag...more specifically airport lag. I suppose I haven't flown very much compared to a lot of folks, but I remember when DFW airport was considered big. Perhaps it still is. I haven't been there in years since Dallas is north of here, and we always travel north so airlines take us in other directions in order to save money. I do know the airports in Cincinnati Kentucky and Minneapolis - which I suspect is really covering most of Minnesota as well as a good portion of Canada - are ridiculous in size, prices, and layout...unless you are fortunate enough to have the key to adopting the proper attitude.

In order to avoid going insane in these monstrous places - which by the way is frowned upon a great deal more these days - I suggest you think of airport adventures as vacations in and of themselves to a wondrous place called: "Airport World" - if this were on the radio, I'd make the words "Airport World" reverberate but you'll simply have to use your imagination and settle for a fuchsia font instead. I don't really know if that's fuchsia or not. Does anybody really know what fuchsia is and if they do should they be people you trust?

I digress.

To enjoy the pleasures of "Airport World" skip the urge to go to Six Flags, Disney Land or the local asylum and book a flight to one of these major airports instead. Obviously, you'll have to make your destination someplace in the opposite direction in order to get a cheap fare but once you've taken that first step into insanity you really need only to hang on. There are plenty of rides, an abundance of outrageously priced food items and meaningless souvenirs. Who buys a hat that says "Minnesota" and why? Plus you'll certainly do as much walking as you would at any amusement park.

The cheap air fares are probably less expensive than the cost of admission and parking at Disney World and you get to ride on moving sidewalks, escalators, elevators, trams, buses, trains and, if you don't tire out before reaching your gate or keel over from the fumes when everyone is required to take off their shoes, you might actually get on a plane too. All that's missing are people dressed up like giant rats in pants and the distant sound of "It's a Small Small World" playing repeatedly.

But that's not all folks! I haven't even mentioned the bonus of "Airport World" - the bathrooms.

Every possible function in airport restrooms is now completely automated. This is a true pleasure...sort of like the airport version of the carnival funhouse. Inside the restrooms, which are conveniently spaced every few miles, you get to watch grown men (and presumably women) dance around in front of automatic paper towel dispensers, robotic sinks, spontaneous soap dispensers and instinctual toilets to get the silly things to provide them with towels, water, or waste disposal services. Presumably this is easier than simply pulling down a towel from a roll or turning a faucet handle which as we all know is a major chore and something that should be avoided so you can save your strength for walking. The airport potty's all the rage and much like the carnival midway you occasionally win a fragment of a paper towel, soap or the pleasure of watching someone else's bowel movement actually move - the remnants of potty dance slackers who gave up on trying to win a flush.

Anyway, although we were off work yesterday, Amy and I were exhausted from walking, escalating, tramming, and dancing, so we got nothing accomplished except to view a few episodes of West Wing and watch our luggage explode in the bedroom.

To top it off, my internal clock resembles our bedroom so I am not sure when I'm sleeping or if I'm sleeping yet.

I have at least found one small pleasure of being back home...I can flush our toilet without having to do the potty dance.