Sunday, February 13, 2005

The Runs

I woke up to stomach ailments which I suppose puts a bright spin on Amy not being least for her.

Actually I recovered enough to handle a full Sunday school class of kids with no lesson plan whatsoever, kept them entertained and we actually learned a little about the Bible in the process - a lot about each other.

Then I went downhill. Not having Amy in church has become something increasingly difficult for me and for the first time in my life I sat down in church, prayed a bit and then got up, tossed a check in the offering plate, and left mid service.

I mean I ran.
I couldn't be there.

I ran home and sat in the sunshine out back with dogs crawling on me until I fell asleep.

Compared to past ills, Amy's current situation is likely nothing, but for me today it was everything...When I looked up at church at the folks singing, 2 years worth of our struggles all came crashing in on me, money, and fear suddenly outweighed my faith.

So I ran. I called Amy and said I was on the run...she didn't understand and I couldn't explain.

So I ran some more. In silence.

I ran into the sunshine. I played with our dogs. I cried and I slept with a little dog on my lap.

The Spurs came on TV...I crawled onto the couch but fell back asleep, missing the entire game. I was awoken at one point by a sudden sound of a pop and the smell of smoke. Evidently a halogen light exploded...I realized later it exploded enough to burn a hole in the carpet. In the grand scheme of things that doesn't even rate as a crisis.

A little while ago I came upstairs, sat down at my computer and it went "POP!" and died.

I've been a computer geek for a long time...I've had lots of computers die. I didn't mourn.

For some inane reason though I thought I might be able to fix it. That was stupid. Now it's in pieces.

I called Amy. She talked me down. She's not worried about my computer being in pieces...she's worried about me falling apart.

I cried and told her about a church I know that ministers to the homeless, feeds the hungry, turns no one away. People smell bad there and many don't speak English. I told her I wanted to run there...and do things like Jesus called us to do.

Amy talked me down.

She reminded me that we were called to Covenant and that I had spent the morning teaching children about Jesus. God has a place for us there and it's obvious.

She's right.

Today was a bad day. I don't have many.

I'm using Amy's computer now, one that's too slow and frustrating and which I planned to replace for her birthday next week with an unexpected bonus check I've been told I'm getting at work as well as our tax refund. The rest of that money we've already spent or set aside to spend on important things. Like dragon killing and family loving.

If need be I'll still get Amy another computer or we'll be a one computer family. We can survive that way.

I know I'm a way I'm running still.

But I think it's helped me reach the place I need to be to stop running now, at least to sleep.

There will be better days.

Days when church will be easy and Amy will sing and I'll see Jesus in the little things.

Days where light bulbs won't explode...where Amy will be here to fix things I break...and keep me from breaking.

Days when the Son will shine too.