Thursday, December 23, 2004

Snow Way

Tina asked in the comments section if we've received any snow in South Texas. It doesn't really snow here. Well, I shouldn't say 1985 San Antonio recorded 13 plus inches of snow. It was then that the city came to the collective conclusion that if it gets cold and anything resembling snow, rain, ice, sleet, or excessive snot falls to the ground we should have a plan. The "San Antonio ICE PLAN" was then developed. It really has three parts.
Part 1: We close all the roads so no one can get anywhere.
Part 2: Everyone tries to go places anyway causing innumerable traffic accidents.
Part 3: The local TV stations abandon normal programming and instead run wall to wall coverage of reporters dressed in anything that they can find that looks like it was purchased from the gift shop of the "Northern Exposure" set. The reporters are then told to go anywhere that appears cold, even if that means a local restaurant walk in freezer.

We haven't really had any snow of substance since 1985, but we've implemented the ICE PLAN every year or two at least.

Since there is no snow, the reporters must fill time by telling us insightful things like, "it's cold." Once in a while they'll do something brilliant like stick their tongue to a metal highway overpass railing - well one can dream - but usually they drive around town stopping periodically to get out of their news vehicles to tell us "Live and Local" that no one should be driving around town. During these enlightening reports I've found it most entertaining to watch for watch to see if there is any nasal discharge dripping from the reporter's well powdered yet reddened schnozzles. Thankfully, TV photographers take great joy in getting close ups of the reporters when this occurs.
Of course if any city official is watching and spies that nasal seepage they sound the alarm again, and the ICE PLAN is extended.

Each TV station spends several seconds also dreaming up a name for their live local in depth team coverage of the fact that it's cold and there is a one in 400 million chance of snow. They then rush to produce a graphic blaring whatever clever moniker their brainstorming session has produced which they flash in the corner of the screen every several seconds - something clever like - "The Big Chill", "Ice Ball 95", "Arctic At The Alamo" or "Polar Distress!"

In truth, there's actually a chance for snow flurries in San Antonio over the next couple days, but there's also a chance Donald Trump will realize he has a family of weasels living on his head. The odds are against it actually happening.

No White Christmas.

We'll improvise.

(photo swiped from the local newspaper which is not worthy of mention)