Friday, October 08, 2004

God With A Capital D

When it comes to God I should get a D.

There have been times in my life when I have denied the existence of God, not only long ago, but recent times when I have been in the throws of pain or pity...sometimes both. I've also denied His love...and in turn denied Him mine.

I try to deny those times exist...but God knows. He can't be deceived.

There have been times I have tried to define God. I once took a sociology class where that was actually on a test: define God. I defined Him as a "universal sense of moral ambition personified for the purpose of worship." That was when I still thought God could be defined.

There were times when I debated God. I challenged all comers to prove Him to me...including God Himself.
I now think how delusional that was and how disingenuous.

Oh yes, when it comes to God I should get a D.

I have been distracted, detached, and distant from God during my life. I have been disillusioned, dismayed, and distraught.

Thank God I have also been delighted...and delivered.

Don't get me wrong, I've often felt defeated by God. I have fallen to my knees and cried, "You win...I am helpless without You."

I thought those were dark days. Now I deem them worthy of deep and ardent devotion. I wasn't defeated; I was finally defenseless...and mercifully no longer deaf to God's God's His grace.

There have been times when I have doubted God.
I've wondered aloud how He could allow suffering, why He didn't simply make everything perfect for everyone.

That was before I devoted a fraction of time to actually look for the answers. That particular one is easy to find by the way, it's in the first book of the Bible.

Ironically, I've even had times where I actually thought people who doubted God couldn't ever know God or that my faith was stronger than theirs.

That was before I met David and the other psalmists, before I read their cries of doubt, and damnation…before I listened to their determined dreams.
That was before my mind dwelled with the men who even in seeing God still asked for we now call disciples.

That was before I devoured the words - the dramatic dynamic words - "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"

When it comes to God I deserve a D.

One day I hope He deems me worthy.