Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Let us pause..

For a moment or three of silliness. I revel in days like today. When the world seems to want to focus on the "important" and the ludicrous shouts it down.

Today our President and various officials are hoping to start to find a way to eventually agree on a "road map" to peace in the Middle East. I love that expression: a "road map". I feel like yelling, "When you get to STOP KILLING EACH OTHER you're there!".
This road map has been folded and unfolded for multiple lifetimes. What we need is someone who can stop and ask for directions.
Today the Feds say they're going to seek an indictment of Martha Stewart. Martha it seems made an underhanded stock deal which saved her a whopping 60 thousand dollars. 60 thousand bucks is a lot of money to me. To Martha that has to be about as valuable as the amount of dryer lint she'd need to whip up a table decoration for Earth day. It was silly, stupid and yes, illegal... So this has taken about a year and a half investigation to resolve? How many thousands of tax dollars have been spent on this? Martha says it's cost her about a half billion dollars already in the depreciation of her empire's stock price. So they indict her, put her on trial...and then what? No one is going to send Martha Stewart to prison...no one is that silly.

Michael's recipe for Martha
Cop a plea
Pay a fine
Stir gently
Fold in tears during an interview with Barbara Walters.
Bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes or until the public's attention span has waned completely, whichever comes first.
Let cool for a day or two.
Go make more billions.
The ultimate story of the day however is THIS ONE. It's like a sequel to "A Confederacy of Dunces". If you don't want to follow the link the Reader's Digest version is: A woman given the task of tending to a dog bequeathed to her by a wealthy woman she cared for, falls to her knees in front of an evangelist at a revival. She needs prayer to determine how much money to demand from the woman's estate. She believes God, with the evangelist's handy assistance, has given her a number. "Fifty, Sister" as in 50 thousand bucks. The dead woman's heirs are complaining, the lawyers are bickering and the dog provider believes Jesus gave her the dollar amount.

I say we resolve all of these issues at once. Send the evangelist to prison. Ask President Bush to host the next revival. Hand the praying woman and her lawyer a road map to Wall Street where they'll obviously fit in. Send the dog to the White House. Order Martha Stewart to pay 60 thousand bucks for the dog's care. Martha should then be exiled to the Middle East until she can cook up a peace agreement.

She should be able to wrap that up before supper.