Sunday, March 23, 2003

Ambivalence Sunday
Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence
Pronunciation: am-'bi-v&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
Date: 1918
1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

How does a word get a "date" anyway? Oh well, I'm feeling ambivalent today. We talked in Sunday school about how you weigh the "commandments" in the Bible and I was struck by how easily we seem to be able to be able to put our own values on God's.

We have two groups in our Sunday school class, the talkers and the non-talkers. I am among the non-talkers because the talkers talk over my head or talk too much. Perhaps our most learned talker says a lot but each time he does I wonder if he is helping me draw nearer to God or not. He has been "delivered" from piety, but now, to me, his irreverence too often seems counter productive to bible study. I'm not sure I want to doubt and question. I'm not sure I want to interpret and decide. I'm not sure there is so much gray. I am sure I don't need to let cynicism creep into my religious life. I'm cynical enough.

Maybe what I need is a "bible study" class the studies the basics of the bible. Maybe then I'll feel more willing to doubt, question and interpret its meaning.

I was hit by the 'ambivalence' of my church family in these discussions and even in prayers about the war. We seem to want to cover all the bases, remain open to 'options' and suddenly I was struck by the lack of definition of it all. I sometimes feel our church is too willing to "accept", and too willing to be the white line in the middle of the road...not sure over the long term that will attract any more than the equivilent of dead skunks. Sometimes I need more definition. This is what we believe. This is why we believe it. I believe we'd be stronger for it.

Time to go walk it out of my system..

By the way... The Dish Network is apparently being run by thugs operating from behind prison walls. They are most unpleasant. No one should ever subscribe to their service without reading up on them. You can start with my latest tirade.
Too much introspection these past few days...maybe it's war fatigue